August 19, 2024

Film Discussion: It Ends With Us

News

Did you know that 1 in 3 women, 1 in 4 men, and 1 in 3 teens will experience domestic violence in their lifetime? Although abuse can be difficult to detect, it’s a widespread issue impacting many lives. 

Colleen Hoover’s It Ends with Us, a New York Times bestselling romance novel, delves deeply into this issue through the compelling story of one survivor. Now adapted into a film, the story reveals the harsh realities of domestic violence and the complex challenges of escaping it. 

At its core, the narrative follows Lily and explores the emotional and psychological toll of surviving and leaving her abusive partner, Ryle.  

It’s important to remember that while this story is impactful, it reflects only one person’s experience. No single story can represent all survivors, so it’s crucial to keep learning about the diverse realities of domestic violence and the unique barriers faced by people from all walks of life. 

Now, let’s take a look at some key takeaways CASA’s team observed from the film adaptation: 

Love Bombing Can Be Hard to Identify Early On:  

A common theme that one can take away from the movie is that abuse can be hard to spot, and love bombing—where someone showers their partner with excessive affection early on—can create false euphoria and often signal potential abuse.  

Ryle’s “grand gestures,” like surprise proposals, uninvited meetings with Lily’s mom, and showing up at her work unannounced, can be seen as love bombing. These impulsive actions undermine Lily’s choices, push her boundaries, and rush the relationship. 

Love-bombing is often seen at the beginning of abusive relationships as an early red flag and can be seen again in the “reconciliation” phase of the abuse cycle, especially after an incident of abuse. 

Intergenerational Abuse Is Present:  

Did you know that children who witness domestic violence are more likely to experience abuse or exhibit abusive behavior themselves? About 30% to 60% of these children may face similar domestic violence in some form in their own relationships as adults.  

In It Ends with Us, the film often flashes back to Lily as a teenager. Through the years it shows, Lily witnessing her mother being abused by her father. 

The film shows the difficulties her mother faced in escaping the abuse. On average, it takes a victim seven attempts to escape an abuser. Ultimately, Lily resolves to break the cycle, ensuring it “Ends with Us” for herself and her daughter. 

Abusers Can Be Complex:  

Another message that one can take away from the movie is that abusers aren’t always one-dimensional; they can have qualities that make them seem like good people.  

This can make it hard for outsiders to believe they could be abusive. In the film, Ryle defies the typical abuser stereotype by being a wealthy, well-liked neurosurgeon, showing that abuse can happen even in seemingly perfect relationships. His outward charm contrasts with his abusive behavior, revealing how abusers can hide behind a façade. 

Abusers are master manipulators, and a “good” abuser can manipulate just about anyone. Abusers are strategic. They not only manipulate the victim, but everyone around them, as well. 

 Portraying Abuse as Accidents – Common Manipulation Tactic:  

Studies show that many abusers often portray their actions as accidents, misunderstandings, or jokes to avoid blame and cause confusion. This manipulation can make it harder for survivors to recognize the abuse and allows the abuser to downplay the seriousness of the issue. 

In the film, Ryle’s abuse is often portrayed as accidents or misunderstandings. For instance, when Ryle gives Lily a black eye during an oven incident or pushes her down the stairs in a jealous rage, it’s framed as accidental, reflecting his attempt to distort reality and confuse Lily. 

 The Abuser’s Trauma Does Not Justify the Abuse:

In the film, Ryle experienced significant childhood trauma. While this trauma may explain some of his outbursts, it does not excuse his domestic abuse under any circumstances. We can empathize with certain traumas, but it should never be used to justify domestic violence.  

Surviving child abuse or witnessing domestic violence as a child does not determine that someone will become an abuser. An abuser who justifies their choice to abuse by blaming their past failing to take accountability for their actions. Abusive partners often redirect blame and responsibility from themselves onto their partners. It’s important to know that this is never acceptable. Redirecting the “reason” for abuse is considered gaslighting, which is a form of emotional abuse. 

A Safety Plan is Important:

Did you know that leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for survivors?  On average, it takes about seven attempts before a survivor successfully escapes.  

The film somewhat simplifies Lily’s departure from her abusive relationship, presenting it as a relatively straightforward process. In our opinion, the film does not fully explore the realistic barriers many survivors face, including financial dependence, fear of retaliation, and more. 

Many survivors who successfully leave can experience post-separation abuse, especially when there are children involved. Post-separation abuse can include stalking, harassment, economic abuse, legal abuse, and isolation. 

CASA advocates work with survivors to develop safety plans for any stage of their relationship. Safety planning with CASA is completely free and confidential. 

In conclusion, It Ends with Us offers a powerful perspective on the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship. While some critics argue that the book romanticizes red flags, we believe it effectively highlights the difficulty of leaving someone you love despite their harmful behavior. Certain situations are not black and white. The portrayal of falling for an abuser and making excuses for them adds significant depth to the protagonist’s struggle. Overall, the film marks a positive step forward in representing the realities of domestic violence and the barriers survivors face.  

We also value how this film has helped start essential conversations surrounding such a widespread and serious issue. CASA invites you to take a stand and be part of the dialogue with #StandingUptoSilence. 

We recommend watching it as a valuable educational resource. 

Please note that the film may be triggering for some viewers. If you need support, reach out to CASA’s 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (727) 895-4912 for help in Pinellas County or (800) 500-1119 | TTY: (800) 621-4202 for assistance outside Pinellas County. 

 Sources: Love Is Respect; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, National Institute of Health, Respond Inc.